I remember writing essays about drugs in intermediate school in DARE.
"DRUGS R BAD!!"
I remember when I felt God and I thought everything was going to be just peachy. God never promised me that, but I didn't think it would be like this.
I remember I used to be really outgoing. A lot of my peers thought I was off-color as a kid, so I never really had many friends. I got made fun of once or twice, like most everyone else. I was happy and I just loved being around people and talking to them even if they thought I was strange. It didn't matter.
I was driving today, home from Richard's house, and I was feeling it. I don't know what "it" is, but "it" sucks. This man at a stoplight told me that both of my brake lights were out. The snowball started rolling. I called my best friend and said I was having doubts, nothing feels real and I can't seem to get out of this funk I'm in. My windows were down and these big rigs kept passing me and they were just terribly loud. Everything was so loud and I felt nauseous and I was sobbing but no tears were coming out and close to hyperventilation. My face starting tingling and I couldn't calm down.
I got stuck behind farm equipment on my way to the Methodist church down the road from my house. Breaking down at twenty miles per hour.
When I got to the parking lot, no one else was there thank goodness, I turned off my car and got out real quick, walked over to the big tree in the side yard of the church and sat down among its roots, my back to the moss. There were bugs everywhere, but it didn't matter.
"Just breathe in through your nose, out through your mouth. Just calm down."
Whenever someone tells me to calm down it upsets me more. I feel like I'm losing control. I feel pathetic.
I closed my eyes and felt the air. I thought about the other day, laying in the grass with Richard after I started feeling "it" again, and he suggested we take a walk. We walked to the same place, but it was hot. We laid under the tree on our stomachs in the dead grass, and he loved me. He just looked at me and I could feel love inside of me and around me, through whatever "it" is. And he smiled and I knew then that I would never be able to love anyone else.
I keep having these doubts. Why won't they just go away?
This little voice keeps telling me that I don't really love him. It says, "You thought you loved once before, and you were wrong. What makes this any different?" And it just won't shut up. I would do anything for it to die.
My parents have told me it's not real. The voice sounds like my mother.
"Love isn't real at your age."-The two realists who were engaged at eighteen.
Thank you, thank you.
I was home at four o'clock in the morning, and I awoke to my mother hovering in my doorway, asking, "Why were you home at four in the morning? Your father is furious." Then , I told her the truth. The night before I'd spent with his family watching home videos. From nine to almost one we watched Richard and Abigail grow up, opening Christmas presents, playing in the sand (rotten tourists) and the snow, singing church songs, and eating cookies. People grow up.
Then, Abigail and I, after mommy and daddy went to bed, got into a very heated discussion over Johnny Depp, that ended in watching Edward Scissorhands at one in the morning.
It ended, and Richard customarily walked me out to say goodbye.
"19 Days," I said.
We cried, both dreading our quickly approaching separation.
We ended up, somehow, getting into a religious debate, and before I knew it, it was 3:38 AM. I sped all the way home.
I told my mom all of this, without all of the sprinkles of course. She gave me this look of disbelief, and I said, "We weren't having sex, if that's what you're concerned about."
"The proof is in the pudding," she said.
"Oh, and did you notice I put your prescription," referring tom y birth control," back in your room? You left it out where anyone can see it, and everyone knows what that is."
I am paying for that prescription, and just two days prior you were saying, "Yup, most women take it, it's very important."
Thank you for making me feel that I should be ashamed. Thank you, mommy dearest.
I am stuck in this hole, bitter, ashamed, terrified, confused out of my skull, and it's so damn deep. Please tell me, how do I get out?
