Last nite

I went to the movies with a person who I'd never gone out with before. I thought it would be really awkward, but it wasn't.

I wish I could say it was a date, but it wasn't. I'm not even sure how it came about.

We talked a lot, and called out each moment of sexual tension between Sherlock and Watson, and it was fun. At the end, we hugged. I wanted to kiss him so badly, but I had to keep in mind it wasn't really a date. I regret not doing it. In the same breath, I'm glad I didn't.

I'm confused.

I'm a wuss

I don't know why I said anything about taking risks. I'm never going to do so.

I have a new found love for Sherlock Holmes. I just picture Robert Downey Jr. while I read, and it makes Sir Arthur Conan Doyle even more awesome.

Walt Whitman.

My best friend is sitting at the foot of my bed reading Song of Myself. She thinks that I am starting the final draft of my senior paper. So does my father. Little do they know, I'm really blogging. It's convincing, too. I'm typing with gumption, quick and fast, jotting all of these thoughts down, but they aren't about soldering or the specifics of amplification technology.

Sometime tonight, I'm actually going to do this paper. It haunts me. When I lay down at night to go to sleep, my paper crawls in and stops up my ears so that all I can hear is my own sanity crying "Mercy!"

I just keep thinking to myself, If I fail this thing, I don't graduate. From there, each thought just spirals downward. Which is why I'm not going to think about that right now.

I'm not a "risk-taker." I don't do "crazy" things. I don't "put myself out there."

I think I'm finally going to take a risk. I'm not going to say it here. If I did, you would realize how childish I am. To a lot of people, it's just like, whatever. But to me it's a BFD.

Caitlyn was just like, "You can't sit on the sidelines forever. You only live once," locker room type talk.

People are like geese.

They all just follow each other around. They can't do anything without consulting someone else first, seeing if it's the right thing to do. Really, it's a silly way to live.

Sometimes..

Things don't work out exactly the way you thought they would. Today, I woke up indifferent. This evening, I got hopeful. Now, I'm down. Really, today was great, I just always look at the bad side. So silly, right?

Sometimes life just doesn't feel fair. It's all muddled. But really, what is fair?

You know what's really awesome? Life. Everything in it is so unexpected. Even when it seems like everything sucks, something cheers me up. My best friend always helps. She's great.

I feel like I needed this. I needed to be humbled, I needed to cry over what I'd been holding in for so long. I just desperately needed to call out. I might not have the answers yet, but I know they'll come someday.

I know this probably makes absolutely no sense to you. This is about everything and anything. Sometimes you just need to release. Throw everything you hold onto so tightly into the air, and see where it falls.

Well, so much for that.

I had all this stuff in my head that I wanted to blog about. Like, I was roused from my state of half-sleep with these nagging thoughts, and now they're gone..

My place of employment was really busy tonight, and I felt so anemic. I started nodding off with subs in the toaster over. It was bad. The atmosphere in that godforsaken place sucks all of the energy out of me.

I think I'm finally sick of the food. I started eating a sub tonight, and thought I was going to be sick.

At first, I thought that I had caught something from this kid Nick. Today in gym, we had the option of either sitting on the bleachers and doing absolutely nothing, or dancing with the Spanish classes. Of course, I chose the Latin dancing over sitting with my lame friends who didn't want to dance. Nick was my main dance partner. It was so much fun; if you knew Nick, you would understand.

Anyway, what led me to question whether or not I had contracted something was a conversation with his brother, Matthew, who sat with me on the NHS field trip bus. Matt was talking to someone on the phone, and was saying that Nick had gotten sick. When he hung up, I was like, "What's wrong with Nick?" and he just said that he had thrown up at school, and had probably gotten something from their other brother who was at home, sick. That was a really confusing sentence, forgive me.

So when I started feeling nauseous whilst preparing sandwich masterpieces, I thought, I swear to God if this is Nick's fault.. I don't even know what I'll do.

I feel fine now, thank goodness. Nick is a lucky boy.

The Latin dancing sessions at school are always really awkward. At the end of the lesson, we always form a merengue circle. What happens is the guys ll make a circle facing outward, and the girls all move from guy to guy. Most of these people don't know each other, but that's not what makes it awkward. Keep in mind, most of these people looks like idiots when they dance (not that I don't), so you have to dance with a guy you've never even seen before, and who has no sense of rhythm. Don't get me wrong, I love the Latin dancing lessons, but they're still weird.

I love YouTube

"YouTube Recommends:
-Movie it like Bernie 2011
-Ricky Gervais: Hitler and Friedrich Nietzsche
-Young girl drops C-word on national TV... Twice!
-My Sisyphus Myths
-Laura Marling All My Rage (Jools Holland)
-RON PAUL is EXPLODING
-Mumford and Sons ft. Johnny Flynn: Banjolin
-You call that a knife? THIS is a knife!
-Earth's Funniest Clips: Cop caught dancing"

YouTube knows me so well.

In retrospect..

When I write this thing, I don't think at all. Everything spills out, unfiltered. I don't check my grammar, I repeat myself, but I still click "Post" when I'm done. Stream of consciousness.

Sometimes I wonder how many people have actually read anything at all from this blog. I have posted it on various social networking sites since I fist began blogging, and a few have commented about it in person, but I'm still curious.

I guess it just seems so pointless. It doesn't feel pointless, though. If I didn't write anything about myself,
I'd go nuts. I don't talk to many people anymore about my life, so I have to do something to make up for it.

Wow

I always wonder why I can't force myself up on Sunday mornings. Maybe it's because I'm up so late doing absolutely nothing.

Literally, all I've done:
-watch world's dumbest
-play dress-up
-clean my room
-creep on facebook

That's it, in the past, like, four hours.

I tweet way too much. I'm trying to cut back. You know it's bad when you say, "I'm trying to cut back." I mean, yeah, there are other people who tweet more than I do, but it is still annoying. It's so silly; I don't even know why I tweet so much. I don't really have that much to say, and when I do, it's not all that interesting. From today on, I will only tweet one profound, poignant thought per day.

I just remembered that I haven't started one part 5 of Crime and Punishment yet. I MUST have it finished by Tuesday. I can't even find it right now. It's terrible.

I need to go to sleep, or I'll be dead on my feet tomorrow. I'll try to blog about something other than myself soon.

It's Friday!

Getting down on Friday!

Not really. Actually, I'm in my pajamas already. Getting down in my pajamas on a lonely Friday night.

I'm beginning to appreciate lonely nights. I can just sit and think, or sit and not. I can sing really loud if I want. I can perform for an invisible audience.

It seems like almost every time I host a concert in my kitchen when no one else is home, I'm fronting My Chemical Romance. I'm not really sure why.

I went through an emo-ish phase in middle school. I wore a crap ton of eyeliner and listened to "emo" music. I watched Warped Wednesdays all summer long. And I loved Bayside.

I still love Bayside.

I'm finally going to see the Muppets movie tomorrow. I would be excited, if I wasn't broke. I can afford a movie ticket and gas for a couple more days, and I think that's it. It's almost an exhilarating feeling, living off of four dollars in cash.

I feel happy today. Today wasn't all that, but I feel so content. There are so many things that I've been worrying about over the past month or so, and I thought everything was going wrong. But right now, everything is just fine.

Lovely.

I haven't blogged in a while. I miss it, but I feel like I'm just going to whine about how dissatisfied I am. I can't remember what I've blogged about before. I don't want to be repeating myself.

I had a pint of blood sucked out of me yesterday. I have never had any of my blood taken from me in any way until then. I was so nervous when I was spread out of that abnormally tall beach chair. I was in between two kids at school that I don't dislike; the gospel choir kid was on my right, and the chill hipster on my left. Reassuring.

I was really expecting the needle to hurt worse than it did. Honestly, the finger prick in the very beginning the most painful part, although I got a bit woozy when I actually thought about what was happening to my body. I tried to look at the blood bag by my side, but my nurse was like, "Hey now, no peeking." She knew me so well.

I got free nutter butters at the end of the procedure, and awkwardly listened to these kids avoiding the stories behind their inside jokes. You know what I'm talking about.
Kid 1: "HAH! Black banana peels! Oh, those were the days."
Kid 2: "Harharhar, yeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah....."
Me: "..."

I've been really down lately. And it's almost Christmas. How terrible am I? I feel like such a Scrooge, and I've never felt like that before.

Someone on my Twitter timeline just said something about how Christmas is supposed to be a time for thanksgiving, not for sulking. I feel like she was talking directly to me.

The worse part is I don't even know why I feel the way I do. It's like there is something missing, there's a hole. I know that's so cliche, but it's the truth.

Every time I drive, I crank up whatever is in my CD player so loud I can't think about anything except for the words assaulting my ears. I just scream along with it. I try to limit this extreme to my nighttime driving. It's really a sight for sore eyes.

Yesterday, when I was driving home from my friend's, I blared Laura Marling and just cried. The hole was filled for a few minutes, until I pulled into the driveway and shut off my car. Then it came right back, the zeitgeist of my happiness.

I've been looking for an excuse to use the word zeitgeist; apparently, it's the word of the week. I'm not totally sure that I used it right. But it sounds good.

You probably think I'm such a sad person, but I'm really not. The majority of the time I'm pretty darn happy. I'm hoping this is just a phase.

I want to write so much more, but I don't want to bore you.

Life is funny sometimes.

Tonight I got punched in the face. I didn't get into a fight or anything, though. I was at this show and this dude was moshing. He came too far over to the side and socked me right in the face. One of my friends rushed me real fast to the back hallway, and was all upset, but I was fine. Honestly, I was just hoping my eye was okay. All I could think was, what if I go blind or something? But that is a pretty ridiculous worry, looking back.

Everyone was like, "ARE YOU OKAY? ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" Not yelling, really, just worriedly. The right side of my face was red, and my eye was watering, but other than that, I was okay. Getting punched in the face is nowhere near as painful as I imagined it would be.

It was actually a pretty cool experience. I know that sounds weird, but I'm glad it happened. I feel like I got to know a couple people a little bit better than I would have, had it not happened. And I'd never been punched in the face before, so if it happens again, at least I'll be prepared. Haha..

We could all use a good punch to the face every once in a while.

All in all, today was a very good day.

I'll try to post something else soon.

Stuff.

I've been living in this camper for about four days now. Things are starting to look grim. I'm running out of pants that are desirable to wear. Don't be alarmed if you notice me wearing the same pants a few days in a row.

First I was really hating on my dads idea to stay here all week, but I'm starting to appreciate it more now. Other than the rash that's starting to pop up on my face, the sneezing, and the waking up freezing in the middle of the night, it's pretty okay. It's just nice to get away from the house for a while, even if it calls for forsaking my personal hygiene a little bit.

I felt like I had so many things to say when I first started typing this up. Guess I was wrong. It's my parent's fault. They started talking to me. Ew...

head full of pesticides

I don't know what to write about anymore. My life is so uneventful. And I feel like if I write about the things that seem like a big deal to me, I'll come across as a typical teenager. But I guess that's all I am, really.

I struggle with that. I don't like to think that I'm the same as everyone else my age. In some ways I'm not, but, in the same breath, I am. Maybe I've been listening too intently to my parents, feeding me all this stuff about how I'm so unique. And the people I go to church with, they used to tell me that, too. But I know I'm not really that different. At first it hurts. It's a pride thing I guess.

I'm really wishy-washy. I say "I guess" and "I think" a lot.

It's just one of those nights. Where I'll be up listening to Bright Eyes all night, refusing to do anything but drown in the music.

I'm fine, I swear. Sometimes I just need a night to sober up from all this teenage nonsense.

Oh my..

I'm on the Common Application Website and it feels like my whole life has been culminating to this night, sifting through college applications and scrambling to find SAT scores, transcripts and all that other academic junk.

I feel like I didn't do enough research. I didn't schedule enough visits. I didn't request information earlier. I haven't started applying for scholarships yet.

I feel so afraid. I'm scared that I won't get accepted to my top choice. I'm scared that my top choice isn't where I really am supposed to be. I'm scared that I might not be interesting enough to get accepted at the big universities, and then if I do, I'll feel out of place. I'm scared that, if I get accepted to multiple different colleges, I won't be able to choose, or I'll pick the wrong one and be miserable. And poor! College is expensive.

And, what if, once I'm out of college, I can't get a job anywhere. I'll have loans to pay off, and bills to pay, and no income. What if I have to start living with my parents again?

I'm counting on this one program that a certain school may or may not offer. I would go to another country for two years and teach. At first, I was like, how awesome? But I've been thinking about it a lot. So many things can change in four years. I could lose all interest in teaching. Or maybe I'd be offered a sweet job straight out of college. I could move to the city and start living. Maybe I'd even want to settle down, God forbid.

I don't know. I guess I'll figure it all out.

There is like an hour long gap between my last sentence and the entire beginning of this. Since then, I have been furiously writing down dates, lists, etc, in my new "College EVERYTHING!" composition book. I have creeped on facebook, commented and liked a few things, and I'm now researching Islam. It's 12:44 PM and I have to get up at seven tomorrow morning for school. JOYJOYJOY!

I'm going to organize the ever-growing list that's all jumbled up in my mind right here.

-research colleges, including deadlines for application, application fees, letters of recommendation, transcripts, etc.
-memorize All-State music, take time out of class for lessons.
-keep up with dates for work, school stuff, vacations, AP work, and field trips
-study for AP Psych, keep up with modules.
-research and plan for senior project, make a contact in the community, get started on paper, update forum.

I know you're so not interested in this, but this really is like my diary. And writing things down, whatever, typing, helps me to remember things.

Hopefully after this year, things ease up. But I doubt it.

Emotions I'm experiencing:
-anxiety
-happiness
-exhaustion
-apathy (leading to)
-extreme attention to detail
and let's not forget
-confusion

In other words, it's stressful, but I think all of this is going to be worth it in the end.

-optimism

List.

Things I Do Instead of Homework:
-Facebook
-Blog
-Twitter
-StumbleUpon
-Listen to music
-Sing/dance/singing-dancing combination, which leads to...
-Performing to an invisible audience in my room
-Play ukulele (when it's fully stringed)
-Read poetry
-Write on my dry-erase board
-Day-dream
-Consider studying/doing homework, then...
-CLEAN
-Play dress up/plan Halloween costumes/full face makeup, including five-o-clock shadow
-Watch movies
-Organize/sort-through papers, drawers, et cetera
In other words, pretty much anything except studying. Tonight is one of those nights.

Today.

Today was good. School was good. Work was work, but not terrible, which makes it good. The stars are really bright tonight, which is also good. I don't really like the word "good" that much: it's small and ambiguous. However, my day wasn't any of the following: spectacular, phenomenal, or even sanguine. It was just good. Even though I was hoping for the former, it's better to have a good day than a terrible one.

I officially mailed my first college application this morning. It's a little bit nerve-wracking. It's for my top choice. I don't know what I'll do if I don't get in. I mean, I know what I'll do; I attend another college, of course, but I feel like I'm really meant to be there. Fingers crossed.

This past Wednesday at youth group, my pastor asked us, "What breaks your heart?" Like, truly, what concerns you, regarding others? Think about it, it will change the way you look at people.

The thing that most breaks my heart is loneliness. While me and a friend were eating at a McDonalds in Washington, I noticed this man, probably in his late-thirties, eating alone. He wasn't dressed up like he was on his lunch break or anything, and he just had this blank look in his eyes while he glanced at everyone around him. It really bothered me. I just wanted to go sit next to him and talk, but I didn't.

Loneliness is a really terrible feeling. It's sad that people live alone. That's what truly breaks my heart. What breaks yours? Food for thought.

No sleep for me.

I turned on "A Knight's Tale" tonight, thinking that I would fall asleep halfway through. Mind you, I'd never seen this movie before, but I figured it would be really boring, so I put it in my PS2--yes, I still use my PS2. I ended up laughing, crying, and staying up to see the whole thing through. It was amazing. I love movies that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Plus, Heath Ledger was a wonderful actor. I miss him...

I'm going to Washington tomorrow for the Solar Decathlon. I'm really going for the Smithsonian museums. And the monuments. And all of the other cool stuff the capital has to offer! I'm really excited. I wish I could just walk around on my own to explore, but that'd be pretty sad.

The past few weeks, I've been dreading graduating high school. It's still quite a few months off, but I know how fast time slips by, too. Now I'm started to get excited for college. Like, I really wish I could go straight into the "real world," so to speak, but I know I would be completely lost. I need a few more years to get my head on straight and avoid true adulthood.. Haha.

Bonus: The college I'm planning on attending is only about two and a half hours from Niagra Falls! HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?!? I could go to Toronto for a day trip! AAHHHH!

Every day needs a To-Do List.

That's what it feels like anyway. It's now 10:15 PM. I still have to make cookies for Honor Society, do my Spanish homework, pack my lunch for tomorrow, re-string my ukulele, and study for the SATs. And all I want to do is sleep. It seems like there just aren't enough hours in the day, but I know that if there were more, I would waste them on something stupid, like this, rather than the things that need to be done.

I feel like I post too many statuses on Facebook. I usually only post one a day, but it seems like too much. I'll just be listening to a song I really like, and I'll send a lyric to Facebook from my phone. It's got to stop. I'm being the enemy of originality.

I wish I had more time to read. I used to read all of the time, but I feel like the only time I have to just read is during class, and that isn't exactly good for my grades. I think one weekend, I'm just going to read, non-stop. Go through my little pile, start in no particular order. But I probably wouldn't get much out of the books that way.

I'm not really sure what else to write. Guess that means it's time to end it.

Ramen for dinner!

I went and played tennis tonight in town with one of my best friends. It was a lot of fun, even though we're both terrible at tennis. We even made up a tennis mantra: "Control. Direction. Depth Perception." Good times!

There were these guys playing basketball on the courts next to us. They were cool at first, but when it started to get dark, a few of them left, and then there were only two. We decided to leave, because it was getting harder to see the ball. When we were walking through the gate out to the parking lot, one of them guess "Hey tennis girls!" and I was just thinking, "ohcrapohcrapohcrap." He was like, "where are you guys from?" and I was like, "Here. Have a good night!" and waved. Then, when I thought we were in the clear, they started coming towards our car, and the same guy asked, "How old are you guys?" and I said, "Too old for you. Have a good night!" and waved again. Then my friend said we'd be back sometime when we weren't working, and we left. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it's hard to trust just anyone completely.

So, I bought my Homecoming dress and it's super cute! All I will say is that it's blue, and I hope I don't gain any more weight before the dance. I mean, it won't pop the seams or anything, it just won't look very attractive. I'm just so bad at eating healthy. I'm eating Ramen for dinner tonight, which, I might add, is full of sodium. And too much sodium isn't good for you. Then again, too much of anything isn't good for you. Nevertheless, I cannot wait to wear it!

Withdrawal.

Today, I switched back to my old Env3. I thought that I would be okay, but directly after, I felt like something had drastically changed in my heart. Something was missing, a piece of me, my trusty Droid 2. That's when I realized that it was a good decision.

Technology is good in some ways. Like, it helps us stay in contact with old friends, and get to know people better. We can also make connections with future employers, colleges, mentors, etc, much easier than before. On the flip-side, it's addicting. I would check Twitter every fifteen to thirty minutes outside of school on my phone, just because. It was really cool, but it became a bad habit. It has always bothered me, seeing teenagers (and adults alike) walking around like their phones were attached to their hands, but I can see, I was one of those people. Which was not a good thing.

Plus, I'm saving twenty bucks a month, which may not seem like a lot, but it adds up. That's one week's worth of gas. Now I just need to save my money instead of blowing it on stupid things, like food.

There has to be a healthy technological balance in ones life. Yes, I set up Twitter mobile, but I've limited my follower notifications and will only tweet while on the computer. I have set limitations for myself. I know that sounds ridiculous, I just have an addictive personality, thus, I have to set up seemingly stupid rules for myself.

I need to focus more on real life, not what's going on in the book of face, and tweetville.

Stress.

I get stressed out really easily. I guess it's hereditary. My grandmother used to be a hypochondriac, and when I was younger I always thought there was something wrong with me. Like, I saw this commercial with Jennifer Aniston this one time when I was around twelve, and it was about this little girl who had a brain tumor. She talked about how she kept getting all these headaches, and that was why. So I used to get all paranoid that I have a tumor whenever I had a headache that lasted a few days. I don't do that anymore, thank goodness. Now I just stress over really little things.

But now, it feels like the things that should be little aren't. I always thouhgt applying to colleges would be a breeze, but now that I'm attempting to do it, it doesn't feel so easy. I just keep thinking, this is my future, and I'm going to be in so much debt, and what if I don't get accepted and what if I can't find a job after college.

Forget the island. I just wish that I could go back in time, when things were simpler. Maybe before America was even settled by the English. Well, maybe not that far back.

I keep thinking that maybe I was born in the wrong time period, but really, everyone had/has/will have stress at some point in their lifetime, so I just need to suck it up. My biggest problem is, I always complain about really little things, without even thinking, and I probably come off as such an ungrateful person. I hope it's not become part of who I am.

Last night at youth group, my pastor told us to clothes our eyes and picture a mirror before us. He told us to look into the mirror, past the skin, and really look hard at what we saw. I saw me, the way I always look, but there was this weird look about me. I know that might sound really stupid, but it's hard to describe. I just don't want to become something loathsome.

I just feel this yearning for truth and peace inside of me, but I feel like it is so hard to attain. I don't want to be selfish, but I find myself thinking about myself constantly. I don't want to live a life simply for myself. I want this constant lump in my throat to go away, and I want to be happy and thankful for what I have.

I know this probably is so annoying to read, forgive me, I just need to vent, and I type faster than I write.

I kept saying today wasn't a good day..

It didn't feel like a good day, but good things happened. Good things happened around me, but I felt like I was separate from their goodness. Know what I mean?

I got a new pair of pants today. They're burgundy, and I totally love them. That's one of those things that happened today, that should make me happy, but it didn't.

I thought that music would help me concentrate, but it's doing quite the opposite. The fact that facebook is in my other tab isn't helping. Social networking will be my ruin. It's those darn chat boxes. People creeping up on me, tyring to see what I'm up to while I'm doing real work.. Psh.

My room is freezing. Not helping my mood. AHH!

Well, I guess I should hop on off of here. Not really much to say. Maybe tomorrow, something amazing will happen that I'll be able to share with you guys. Crossing my fingers.

I'm old.

I am pretty close to being two decades old. It feels like life hasn't even begun, and it's almost one-fifth over.

Three years ago, I began high school, and in a few months, I will graduate. I still feel like an awkward middle schooler. I feel like I've been cheated out of the "high school experience". I never scored the winning goal, I still haven't attained the "high school sweetheart," not that I want/need one, and I've spent half of my teenage life immersed in the lives of fictional characters. Don't get me wrong, a lot of fun stuff happened, but it is much easier to think of the sucky things, rather than the magnificent ones. Maybe I'm a pessimist.

Sometimes I wish I could just move to an island where no one else lives. I could live off of the land: climb up in the coconut trees for dinner, carve arrows out of rocks with other rocks, and spear fish. I could even bring a volleyball friend with me. I always say things like, "I don't like people," but really, I think I love people. Without other people, my life would be so dull. And I wouldn't laugh, thus, I wouldn't be happy. So, really, if I did find that hypothetical island, I still wouldn't be happy.

I want to say something about 9/11, but I won't say anything that hasn't already been said. It's strange how everyone remembers exactly where they were when it happened. I was at school. I don't remember clearly what happened, I just recall the frightened looks on the teachers faces as they escorted us to our school buses early that day in second grade. It shook everyoneup, and it still does today. The footage doesn't even look real.

A lot of people ask things like, "Why did happen?" or, "Why would God allow those evil people to live?" Sometimes I still don't get it. All I know is, people have free will, and so many are broken. Free will plus brokenness doesn't have the best sum. God still loves us, even when things like that happen.

God be with those families who were affected by the 9/11 attacks. Heal broken hearts, feed hungry spirits. Give our leaders the strength, direction, and motivation to pull our country through our financial and moral predicaments, put party affiliations to the side, and put their people first.

Postpostpost

Our football team beat the crap out of their opponents. I'm very proud, even though I probably don't know the majority of the football players. And I don't really understand how football works. It was still exciting.

Last year, during the Super Bowl, my dad explained how football works, and I didn't understand. Then, my boyfriend at the time explained it in almost the same exact way, but it actually made sense. We hear what we want to hear, I guess.

I love those friends who listen to everything you have to say, no matter how cliche, or cheesy it is. Had a heart-to-heart tonight with one of my friends, and it was wonderful. I didn't feel that much better afterwards, but it was nice that she was there to listen to me. And vice versa. Tomorrow, we might be getting together, having a movie sesh, some ice cream. You know, the works. Definitely a "Notebook" kind of movie. I could use a good cry.

Crying is so weird. Like, whenever I cry during a movie, I always feel better afterwards, like I unwound the big rubber-band ball of thoughts rolling around in my head. I love that feeling.

So, I'm supposed to be working on a powerpoint...

But I'm doing this instead! I'm what you would call a rebel. You don't really know me, so if I tell you I'm a rebel, you wouldn't know whether I was lying or not. Except, two of my three followers I am acquainted with. So, that doesn't really work.

We resumed our physical fitness testing in gym today, and I did one whole push up! YAAAY! On the bright side, I did sixty crunches, which raised my self-esteem from nonexistent to bearable to look at. Ha.

I also worked today. Whenever we close, I am usually the one who takes the trash out, and every single time I open up that darn dumpster, my heart starts pounding and  get all jittery. I'm always paranoid that someone is going to be inside, and I'm not sure what I would do if I did see someone inside. Honestly, I'd scream and run away, but that's what any normal person would do right? How would I know what there intentions were, hiding inside a dumpster? That's not a very good first impression if you ask me.An apology would probably be in order though, for dumping food juice all over them.

I'm going to talk about my feelings a little. Please forgive me, I just need to vent. It bothers me when there is that one person who you are so into and they have no idea, and they talk to you like absolutely nothing has gone awry inside of your head, when inside you're just like "RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" or something along those lines. Do you know what I mean? And they are super nice and you have no idea whether they are nice because they are just a nice person, or because they are into you, too. I would love to believe it's the latter, but I'm afraid that it's not. You even go as far as trying to ignore this person, and just when you stop thinking about the fact that they are directly behind you, or beside you, or whatever, they tap your shoulder, or make a funny remark or something that forces you to acknowledge their presence. It's so unfair. The whole direction of that paragraph was really strange. I was referring to my situation, but I kept saying "you" and "they". I think you know what I meant, regardless. Well, enough of that shtuff.

I really should get working on my presentation. Better hop off here.

I shouldn't be blogging right now.

I'm supposed to be answering an essay question for my AP Psychology class. Actually, the fate of my entire group depends on my punctuality. Ah, oh well. I'll get to it sometime tonight. Once I finish this blog. And check facebook. Oh, and finish putting these cds onto my iPod. Haha. What a loser.

I'm not really sure what exactly I was planning on writing about. I'll think of something.

I hate those days when you wake up in the morning, look in your closet, and realize every single scrap of clothing you own doesn't look good on you. Of course, all of it probably looks just fine, but everything you try on just looks and feels terrible. I did that tonight. I was like, "I'm going to dress comfortably for school tomorrow, but still try to look nice." Now, whenever I look at the outfit I have picked out, I regret it. Of course I can put it back and get out something else, but it would defeat the whole purpose of picking it out the night before. Decisions, decisions.

Speaking of decisions, I was invited to a party this Friday. I'm not a party person, but, I have to admit, this party sounds kind of fun. The only problem is, that's the night of our first football game, AND I have off this Friday. Last year, I didn't go to any games because I was always working, but I have off for once! What a wonderful feeling! So I think I've pretty much talked myself into going to the football game, but I'm not sure yet. Yesnoyesno. It doesn't really matter. It's not like my life will drastically change whether I go or not. But I probably will. And what if it did drastically change? Hmmm... Oh, the possibilities. Whatever, you probably don't care what I do. Haha.

Yesterday when I was organizing my room, I decided to go through my cds, see which ones were missing, and in the wrong cases, et cetera. I came across my Blake Lewis, Audio Daydream cd that I had been looking for for, like, two years! Needless to say, I am pumped to listen to it again. It's going to be my homework soundtrack tonight.

I've just realized that I have written absolutely nothing worth writing. If I continue writing tonight, I will most likely be consistent in my monotony. I guess I'm going to get started on the essay question.. Wish me luck!

Bleh.

People are all so different from one another. Those are the kind that I like, the ones that are different. Some people are so similar that it's almost painful to watch them interact. Hah just kidding. It's not that bad. But, sometimes I do wonder, "Why don't I have that certain group to do everything with?" Guess that is kind of a silly thing to wonder, but sometimes it just feels like there is no certain place where I fit in. Not going for a sob story here, I do have a few wonderful friends, I'm just been thinking about it a lot today.

I went outside today during lunch with two friends from my school. All of the benches were full outside, so we decided to lay in the grass instead of going back inside. I don't even remember what we were talking about, but I just felt so happy and normal. The sun was bright in the sky, and yellow was everywhere.

I love smart people, too. Intelligence is so attractive. There are a lot of pretty daft people in the world nowadays, so it's so nice to hear someone speak with a colorful vocabulary.

When I grow up, I want to get married. Some say it's old-fasioned, but I think it sounds wonderful! All I want is a rich, smart, musically-inclined, well-travelled, buff husband. Is that so much to ask? Haha, just kidding about the buff part. Sometimes I think it would be kind of cool not to get married, so I could just pick up and leave whenever I want, and go wherever I want. I told my mom that, and she was just like, "What a lonely life?" I think she has a point.

Lifey things.

Life is really short. So why not listen to that old Killers song, or sing along to the Fame Monster with the windows down for everyone on the highway to hear? Why not eat the biggest canoli in the Italian deli? And why the heck shouldn't I wear my moon phases tank top? It's really nice to do things for yourself sometimes. You should really try it.

Being happy is awesome!

A lot of random thoughts, I guess.

It's been a while since I've written one of these things. Not much has really happened outside of myself, I'm just in an introspective mood. And I want to talk about stuff.

For some reason, this textbox doesn't allow me to Tab to indent my paragraph. That's really unfair. Haha. Sometimes I feel like writing "haha" next to something seems arrogant, like I'm laughing at my own sentence that truly isn't even funny, but it makes it less serious. I don't want people to think I'm like droning on and on about total nonsense, even if I am. Besides, there are probably like two and a half people reading this anyway, and I really don't think they'll mind.

I considered pulling out my diary and writing really personal stuff down, but I was too lazy to walk to my bookshelf, pick up my diary, open it, and start penning. (Is penning a verb?) I was on facebook anyway.

One thing that really upsets me about facebook users, particularly, a few people that I'm friends with: when they are like "I'm ugly. :( Like this status if you disagree! HMU YO!" I'm just like, wow. When I feel ugly, I just don't look in the mirror. Or I vent to a close friend about it. It's sad that many don't do that anymore. Some find their self-worth in how many people "like" their status, or how many text messages they get. I'm striving not to be one of those people, but I'd be lying if I said I've never felt a little bit better after getting some input from my facebook "friends" on the deep song lyrics I posted that weren't even mine. Haha. Technology..

One thing that makes me nervous about adult life is paying bills, and keeping track of money. A.) I like spending money on fun things, and have trouble getting the money to my dad just for my data plan. B.) For some reason, I can't even keep up with the simple addition and subtraction in my checkbook. I've tried to lay-off using my card so often, just so I don't have to mess with my transaction register. It's terrible. I really dislike numbers. I think I could go without them completely; who really needs to know what time it is? People made out just fine thousands of years ago by using the sun and stars and all that cool stuff in the universe to tell time.

One thing that bothers me about people I don't know well: when they try to make me talk for no reason. I went to a baby shower about a month ago, and I was kind of keeping to myself; I really didn't have anything to say of importance. So I was just quietly standing by one of the chairs at my work place, and this girl I work with comes up to me and goes, "Why aren't you talking?" or something to that effect, and I go, "I don't always feel the need to talk," and she was like, "Oh.." and walked away. I was just telling the truth. I don't feel like I should always be talking, because when I do that, I say really stupid things that replay over and over in my mind until I forget about them. When I do that, my mouth goes faster than my brain. Projectile word vomit?

I just noticed I've begun each new subject with "One thing.." I apologize for the redundancy.

I realy like music. I would say I love it, but what is love anyway? Haha, just kidding. I love music. All kinds of it. Right now, I'm listening to Needtobreathe-they are amazing, you should look them up--because I really need some Jesus music. I love Jesus, too, but I'm still working on that part.

The other night, this guy at the Refuge, this local show about fifteen minutes from my house, sits down at a table where myself and a couple others had just sat at. He goes, "Wow, that band was really great.." or something. And we were like "Yeah, they really were." And he goes into this soliloquy about how music speaks for us when we don't have the words to describe our heart's innermost cries, or some crap like that. (Haha,it was beautiful!) And then he was like, "Wow, I need to write that down before I forget!" I laughed. You probably didn't; trust me, it was a lot more interesting in person.

I think it would be neat to have a blog that is actually active. Like where people give their feedback and stuff. Maybe one day, when I'm famous.. Hah, yeah. Right.

Pre-work Blog

I have about 15 minutes to write this blog. Lets see what comes to mind in the next 15 minutes... Hmmm...

I learned a little bit about class systems today. Well, I watched a movie about class systems. I mean, it's about this little girl befriending a young man in a totally-okay way, but it deals with class systems. We are watching in my creative writing class. I get the feeling that there is going to be a tragic end and I'm going to cry in class, which is never fun.

I read this one senior's quote in out yearbook for the 2010-2011 school year that I absolutely adore: "Envy is ignorance, imitation is suicide."-Ralph Waldo Emerson. That is there for a reason. Lately I've kind of felt like I'm not cool enough or smart enough or pretty enough or whatever enough to do something great, but just those six simple words made me realize that whatever I do can be great if it's my own. Cheesy, maybe. Helpful, heck yes!

I prayed a lot last night about my future. At church, they say to wait on God for answers, and up till now I have never tried to. But last night, I realized that maybe there is something to waiting on God. Maybe every answer doesn't come right away. Just maybe He will show me when the time is right. I know I am here to create something, but I am waiting for God to tell me what that something is. Yes, it's hard, but in the end it will be worth the wait. For now, I'll just create this blog. Even if no one reads it, I can take pride in the fact that I typed every single word with my own fingers, from my own intellect, no matter how stupid or cheesy they are. It's awesome.

"I must create a system or be enslaved by another mans; I will not reason and compare: my business is to create."-William Blake

So, I'm new to this.

Well, this is my first blog post, and I'm not totally sure what to write about. I would write something really deep and thoughtful, but I'm tired, and I think that would be too great of an effort right now. I think I'll write about people.
I work at a very high-quality fast food restaurant right now, and lots of people come in to buy food there. One of our regular customers came in tonight. He never actually tells us what he wants, he just hands us a piece of paper with his order written down on it. Two of the girls I work with took his order, and I just watched them prepare it. I had nothing better to do. At one point, I looked at the man, and he had his head thrown back in laughter, his eyes closed and everything. I thought one of my coworkers had said something funny, but they were totally focused on preparing his order, not even looking at the man. Maybe he was reminiscing on a funny moment from a few days ago. Or maybe one of my coworkers had lettuce in their hair... Or maybe, he's just crazy. I don't know.
Making an account for this website was difficult for me. You know how when you get to the stage in the "Create your Profile" game when you have to spruce it up with all of this interesting stuff about yourself? I hate that part. The "About Me" box is my worst enemy. It's like, how can you cram everything that you are into a tiny little box with less than 1200 characters? I'd like to think that God created each person more complexly (complexly?) than that. I just didn't write anything in it. I figure that if I'm actually going to write regularly on this blog, and if people actually read it, then they will get to know me and see my perspective through the blog, not through that insulting little blurb.
Oh, yeah. Now I can stalk Carol, too, Shout out! Haha..
I think I'm going to hit the hay. Maybe this whole blogging thing will be fun?