Rezz

My resolution this year was to be happy. I haven't started off very well. The silly part is that I really don't have anything to be upset about, yet I still am.

Pretty stupid.

Thanks

Things I am thankful for:

-Delaware
-carbohydrates
-this fancy new lamp in my old room that looks like beach grass strung with LEDs
-the Twilight saga (no shame)
-sore thighs
-conversation
-books
-conversations about books
-beach trips with my dad
-sticky notes
-good people
-my flea-market easel
-girl talks with my mom (sometimes, anyway)
-sand in my sneakers
-our secret spot
-Richard

I've got to change something. I've spent so much time lately feeling sorry for myself, laying in bed awake and just miserable for no reason.

Thanksgiving is almost here.

I'm laying in a room that used to be mine in a bed with new sheets and a new ceiling fan over my head in a house that used to be home. I can't call it home anymore because the people that are here don't seem capable of love. I miss my old room.

It's alright to be afraid. I worry everyday. I'm so unsure of everything. I'm a skeptic, a hypochondriac and I'm anxious. I don't know where I'm going or what I want out of life specifically. At the end of the day, I just want my favorite person to be right next to me. That's what I think I'll always want. I just want Richard, my best friend, my beach buddy, my first and my favorite.

This bag of skittles is never-ending. Every time I run my tongue over my teeth I feel a little bit ill. My feet are fast falling asleep and my spine is permanently bent like the branch of a weeping willow heavy laden down with snow or rain or some form of heavy precipitation. All I want to do is have you read me something nice out of Leaves of Grass and make love to you directly but you're so far away. You're so far away and I'm not really sure how I lived in such close proximity to you for years before I came to realize that you're part of me. I can't remember what it was like not knowing you. I couldn't have really been alive.

I keep thinking about all of these things that might be wrong with me. I already have a tumor. I mean, it's benign, but the thought that something is growing inside of my body, beyond my control, makes me feel crazy. I keep having all these pains in my joints. The doctor told me that I'm double-jointed, which makes no sense because I'm not flexible at all and I read this thing online about hypermobility--the technical term for being double-jointed--that said those afflicted can do crazy things like putting their leg behind their head or some shit. I can't do that.

So I was browsing the inter-web and came across this article about lupus and it scared the living goodness out of me so now all I can think about is ah what if I have lupus or some other weird disease that even Dr. House couldn't cure and oh my God I'm dying and my life is going by so quickly and I'm wasting wasting wasting it. Maybe I'm just over thinking it.

I'm just so damn angry for no good reason.

.

Being able to drive wherever I want, whenever I want; singing as loud as I can whenever the desire strikes; my crying tree, and the rusty playground by the old Methodist church down the road from my house; waking up to hear my favorite person trying to close the front door quietly in the early morning, stepping lightly, trying not to wake me up before he could surprise me--which never worked; sunburn and that clean, salty water at Bethany; an embarrassing open mic night; sitting on the shore until four in the morning with a girl I've known since third grade; knowing that everything was going to be okay; ignorance toward the policies and rules at the place I was to soon call home; feeling pretty, radiant, feeling worthy and wonderful; quickies when good old dad left to run a few errands; Delaware; speeding to merchandise at the end of a long night at the beach; smoking blacks and feeling disgusting just because, to stay awake on long drives home in the middle of the night; smoking just to feel pure and lovely and whole; buying metro tickets, losing metro tickets, buying metro tickets again; making love on our last night together with the lights out in the bed I grew up in; crying without having to worry that someone can hear me through paper-thin walls; spooning; being happy without Tumblr being my main source of laughter; feeling accepted. Really, just everything.

I keep living these memories over and over in my head.

Reasons why I'm writing this
1. To reminisce (again) without feeling guilty
2. To avoid thinking about how angry I am at my mother and father
3. To avoid thinking about this paper that is due in a matter of hours and
4. To avoid thinking about how dreadfully busy tomorrow is going to be

I know that I need to just move on and try and make memories now, but it's hard. I have no desire to know the people around me. On the few occasions when I've revealed just a little about my beliefs, what make me who I am, I've gotten weird looks and reprimands. I am confined. My parents keep asking me if I miss them, and I have to lie. I have no desire to know them anymore either, and they're too afraid to try and get to know me again. They refuse to let me use my car because they know I'm going to visit my favorite person.

"That's the only reason why," says daddy dearest. "If you weren't with him, we'd let you have your car up there without a second thought."

Penalized for being "in a relationship." For having a best friend, someone to share all of my secrets with, for having faith in someone, loving him with all that I am. I'm being looked down upon.

Am I not good enough? Am I too ugly? Too liberal? Too smart and without enough common sense? Am I too selfish? Opinionated? Quiet? Are you afraid of knowing your own daughter? Is it alright if I'm not exactly the same as the two of you? Can I just have one small air-hole in my cardboard quarters?

I was off to a good start. I used to be really happy when I was a little kid. This past summer I felt like a little kid again and it was exactly what I needed. I just wasn't ready to be thrown into this different world where I'm expected to make mature choices, work on homework religiously, read read read things that I don't give a shit about, work work work when I'm not in class, but without any of the freedom that comes with adulthood. Makes a lot of sense.