Today.

Today was good. School was good. Work was work, but not terrible, which makes it good. The stars are really bright tonight, which is also good. I don't really like the word "good" that much: it's small and ambiguous. However, my day wasn't any of the following: spectacular, phenomenal, or even sanguine. It was just good. Even though I was hoping for the former, it's better to have a good day than a terrible one.

I officially mailed my first college application this morning. It's a little bit nerve-wracking. It's for my top choice. I don't know what I'll do if I don't get in. I mean, I know what I'll do; I attend another college, of course, but I feel like I'm really meant to be there. Fingers crossed.

This past Wednesday at youth group, my pastor asked us, "What breaks your heart?" Like, truly, what concerns you, regarding others? Think about it, it will change the way you look at people.

The thing that most breaks my heart is loneliness. While me and a friend were eating at a McDonalds in Washington, I noticed this man, probably in his late-thirties, eating alone. He wasn't dressed up like he was on his lunch break or anything, and he just had this blank look in his eyes while he glanced at everyone around him. It really bothered me. I just wanted to go sit next to him and talk, but I didn't.

Loneliness is a really terrible feeling. It's sad that people live alone. That's what truly breaks my heart. What breaks yours? Food for thought.

No sleep for me.

I turned on "A Knight's Tale" tonight, thinking that I would fall asleep halfway through. Mind you, I'd never seen this movie before, but I figured it would be really boring, so I put it in my PS2--yes, I still use my PS2. I ended up laughing, crying, and staying up to see the whole thing through. It was amazing. I love movies that make me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Plus, Heath Ledger was a wonderful actor. I miss him...

I'm going to Washington tomorrow for the Solar Decathlon. I'm really going for the Smithsonian museums. And the monuments. And all of the other cool stuff the capital has to offer! I'm really excited. I wish I could just walk around on my own to explore, but that'd be pretty sad.

The past few weeks, I've been dreading graduating high school. It's still quite a few months off, but I know how fast time slips by, too. Now I'm started to get excited for college. Like, I really wish I could go straight into the "real world," so to speak, but I know I would be completely lost. I need a few more years to get my head on straight and avoid true adulthood.. Haha.

Bonus: The college I'm planning on attending is only about two and a half hours from Niagra Falls! HOW COOL IS THAT?!?!?!? I could go to Toronto for a day trip! AAHHHH!

Every day needs a To-Do List.

That's what it feels like anyway. It's now 10:15 PM. I still have to make cookies for Honor Society, do my Spanish homework, pack my lunch for tomorrow, re-string my ukulele, and study for the SATs. And all I want to do is sleep. It seems like there just aren't enough hours in the day, but I know that if there were more, I would waste them on something stupid, like this, rather than the things that need to be done.

I feel like I post too many statuses on Facebook. I usually only post one a day, but it seems like too much. I'll just be listening to a song I really like, and I'll send a lyric to Facebook from my phone. It's got to stop. I'm being the enemy of originality.

I wish I had more time to read. I used to read all of the time, but I feel like the only time I have to just read is during class, and that isn't exactly good for my grades. I think one weekend, I'm just going to read, non-stop. Go through my little pile, start in no particular order. But I probably wouldn't get much out of the books that way.

I'm not really sure what else to write. Guess that means it's time to end it.

Ramen for dinner!

I went and played tennis tonight in town with one of my best friends. It was a lot of fun, even though we're both terrible at tennis. We even made up a tennis mantra: "Control. Direction. Depth Perception." Good times!

There were these guys playing basketball on the courts next to us. They were cool at first, but when it started to get dark, a few of them left, and then there were only two. We decided to leave, because it was getting harder to see the ball. When we were walking through the gate out to the parking lot, one of them guess "Hey tennis girls!" and I was just thinking, "ohcrapohcrapohcrap." He was like, "where are you guys from?" and I was like, "Here. Have a good night!" and waved. Then, when I thought we were in the clear, they started coming towards our car, and the same guy asked, "How old are you guys?" and I said, "Too old for you. Have a good night!" and waved again. Then my friend said we'd be back sometime when we weren't working, and we left. I try to give people the benefit of the doubt, but it's hard to trust just anyone completely.

So, I bought my Homecoming dress and it's super cute! All I will say is that it's blue, and I hope I don't gain any more weight before the dance. I mean, it won't pop the seams or anything, it just won't look very attractive. I'm just so bad at eating healthy. I'm eating Ramen for dinner tonight, which, I might add, is full of sodium. And too much sodium isn't good for you. Then again, too much of anything isn't good for you. Nevertheless, I cannot wait to wear it!

Withdrawal.

Today, I switched back to my old Env3. I thought that I would be okay, but directly after, I felt like something had drastically changed in my heart. Something was missing, a piece of me, my trusty Droid 2. That's when I realized that it was a good decision.

Technology is good in some ways. Like, it helps us stay in contact with old friends, and get to know people better. We can also make connections with future employers, colleges, mentors, etc, much easier than before. On the flip-side, it's addicting. I would check Twitter every fifteen to thirty minutes outside of school on my phone, just because. It was really cool, but it became a bad habit. It has always bothered me, seeing teenagers (and adults alike) walking around like their phones were attached to their hands, but I can see, I was one of those people. Which was not a good thing.

Plus, I'm saving twenty bucks a month, which may not seem like a lot, but it adds up. That's one week's worth of gas. Now I just need to save my money instead of blowing it on stupid things, like food.

There has to be a healthy technological balance in ones life. Yes, I set up Twitter mobile, but I've limited my follower notifications and will only tweet while on the computer. I have set limitations for myself. I know that sounds ridiculous, I just have an addictive personality, thus, I have to set up seemingly stupid rules for myself.

I need to focus more on real life, not what's going on in the book of face, and tweetville.

Stress.

I get stressed out really easily. I guess it's hereditary. My grandmother used to be a hypochondriac, and when I was younger I always thought there was something wrong with me. Like, I saw this commercial with Jennifer Aniston this one time when I was around twelve, and it was about this little girl who had a brain tumor. She talked about how she kept getting all these headaches, and that was why. So I used to get all paranoid that I have a tumor whenever I had a headache that lasted a few days. I don't do that anymore, thank goodness. Now I just stress over really little things.

But now, it feels like the things that should be little aren't. I always thouhgt applying to colleges would be a breeze, but now that I'm attempting to do it, it doesn't feel so easy. I just keep thinking, this is my future, and I'm going to be in so much debt, and what if I don't get accepted and what if I can't find a job after college.

Forget the island. I just wish that I could go back in time, when things were simpler. Maybe before America was even settled by the English. Well, maybe not that far back.

I keep thinking that maybe I was born in the wrong time period, but really, everyone had/has/will have stress at some point in their lifetime, so I just need to suck it up. My biggest problem is, I always complain about really little things, without even thinking, and I probably come off as such an ungrateful person. I hope it's not become part of who I am.

Last night at youth group, my pastor told us to clothes our eyes and picture a mirror before us. He told us to look into the mirror, past the skin, and really look hard at what we saw. I saw me, the way I always look, but there was this weird look about me. I know that might sound really stupid, but it's hard to describe. I just don't want to become something loathsome.

I just feel this yearning for truth and peace inside of me, but I feel like it is so hard to attain. I don't want to be selfish, but I find myself thinking about myself constantly. I don't want to live a life simply for myself. I want this constant lump in my throat to go away, and I want to be happy and thankful for what I have.

I know this probably is so annoying to read, forgive me, I just need to vent, and I type faster than I write.

I kept saying today wasn't a good day..

It didn't feel like a good day, but good things happened. Good things happened around me, but I felt like I was separate from their goodness. Know what I mean?

I got a new pair of pants today. They're burgundy, and I totally love them. That's one of those things that happened today, that should make me happy, but it didn't.

I thought that music would help me concentrate, but it's doing quite the opposite. The fact that facebook is in my other tab isn't helping. Social networking will be my ruin. It's those darn chat boxes. People creeping up on me, tyring to see what I'm up to while I'm doing real work.. Psh.

My room is freezing. Not helping my mood. AHH!

Well, I guess I should hop on off of here. Not really much to say. Maybe tomorrow, something amazing will happen that I'll be able to share with you guys. Crossing my fingers.

I'm old.

I am pretty close to being two decades old. It feels like life hasn't even begun, and it's almost one-fifth over.

Three years ago, I began high school, and in a few months, I will graduate. I still feel like an awkward middle schooler. I feel like I've been cheated out of the "high school experience". I never scored the winning goal, I still haven't attained the "high school sweetheart," not that I want/need one, and I've spent half of my teenage life immersed in the lives of fictional characters. Don't get me wrong, a lot of fun stuff happened, but it is much easier to think of the sucky things, rather than the magnificent ones. Maybe I'm a pessimist.

Sometimes I wish I could just move to an island where no one else lives. I could live off of the land: climb up in the coconut trees for dinner, carve arrows out of rocks with other rocks, and spear fish. I could even bring a volleyball friend with me. I always say things like, "I don't like people," but really, I think I love people. Without other people, my life would be so dull. And I wouldn't laugh, thus, I wouldn't be happy. So, really, if I did find that hypothetical island, I still wouldn't be happy.

I want to say something about 9/11, but I won't say anything that hasn't already been said. It's strange how everyone remembers exactly where they were when it happened. I was at school. I don't remember clearly what happened, I just recall the frightened looks on the teachers faces as they escorted us to our school buses early that day in second grade. It shook everyoneup, and it still does today. The footage doesn't even look real.

A lot of people ask things like, "Why did happen?" or, "Why would God allow those evil people to live?" Sometimes I still don't get it. All I know is, people have free will, and so many are broken. Free will plus brokenness doesn't have the best sum. God still loves us, even when things like that happen.

God be with those families who were affected by the 9/11 attacks. Heal broken hearts, feed hungry spirits. Give our leaders the strength, direction, and motivation to pull our country through our financial and moral predicaments, put party affiliations to the side, and put their people first.

Postpostpost

Our football team beat the crap out of their opponents. I'm very proud, even though I probably don't know the majority of the football players. And I don't really understand how football works. It was still exciting.

Last year, during the Super Bowl, my dad explained how football works, and I didn't understand. Then, my boyfriend at the time explained it in almost the same exact way, but it actually made sense. We hear what we want to hear, I guess.

I love those friends who listen to everything you have to say, no matter how cliche, or cheesy it is. Had a heart-to-heart tonight with one of my friends, and it was wonderful. I didn't feel that much better afterwards, but it was nice that she was there to listen to me. And vice versa. Tomorrow, we might be getting together, having a movie sesh, some ice cream. You know, the works. Definitely a "Notebook" kind of movie. I could use a good cry.

Crying is so weird. Like, whenever I cry during a movie, I always feel better afterwards, like I unwound the big rubber-band ball of thoughts rolling around in my head. I love that feeling.

So, I'm supposed to be working on a powerpoint...

But I'm doing this instead! I'm what you would call a rebel. You don't really know me, so if I tell you I'm a rebel, you wouldn't know whether I was lying or not. Except, two of my three followers I am acquainted with. So, that doesn't really work.

We resumed our physical fitness testing in gym today, and I did one whole push up! YAAAY! On the bright side, I did sixty crunches, which raised my self-esteem from nonexistent to bearable to look at. Ha.

I also worked today. Whenever we close, I am usually the one who takes the trash out, and every single time I open up that darn dumpster, my heart starts pounding and  get all jittery. I'm always paranoid that someone is going to be inside, and I'm not sure what I would do if I did see someone inside. Honestly, I'd scream and run away, but that's what any normal person would do right? How would I know what there intentions were, hiding inside a dumpster? That's not a very good first impression if you ask me.An apology would probably be in order though, for dumping food juice all over them.

I'm going to talk about my feelings a little. Please forgive me, I just need to vent. It bothers me when there is that one person who you are so into and they have no idea, and they talk to you like absolutely nothing has gone awry inside of your head, when inside you're just like "RAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!" or something along those lines. Do you know what I mean? And they are super nice and you have no idea whether they are nice because they are just a nice person, or because they are into you, too. I would love to believe it's the latter, but I'm afraid that it's not. You even go as far as trying to ignore this person, and just when you stop thinking about the fact that they are directly behind you, or beside you, or whatever, they tap your shoulder, or make a funny remark or something that forces you to acknowledge their presence. It's so unfair. The whole direction of that paragraph was really strange. I was referring to my situation, but I kept saying "you" and "they". I think you know what I meant, regardless. Well, enough of that shtuff.

I really should get working on my presentation. Better hop off here.

I shouldn't be blogging right now.

I'm supposed to be answering an essay question for my AP Psychology class. Actually, the fate of my entire group depends on my punctuality. Ah, oh well. I'll get to it sometime tonight. Once I finish this blog. And check facebook. Oh, and finish putting these cds onto my iPod. Haha. What a loser.

I'm not really sure what exactly I was planning on writing about. I'll think of something.

I hate those days when you wake up in the morning, look in your closet, and realize every single scrap of clothing you own doesn't look good on you. Of course, all of it probably looks just fine, but everything you try on just looks and feels terrible. I did that tonight. I was like, "I'm going to dress comfortably for school tomorrow, but still try to look nice." Now, whenever I look at the outfit I have picked out, I regret it. Of course I can put it back and get out something else, but it would defeat the whole purpose of picking it out the night before. Decisions, decisions.

Speaking of decisions, I was invited to a party this Friday. I'm not a party person, but, I have to admit, this party sounds kind of fun. The only problem is, that's the night of our first football game, AND I have off this Friday. Last year, I didn't go to any games because I was always working, but I have off for once! What a wonderful feeling! So I think I've pretty much talked myself into going to the football game, but I'm not sure yet. Yesnoyesno. It doesn't really matter. It's not like my life will drastically change whether I go or not. But I probably will. And what if it did drastically change? Hmmm... Oh, the possibilities. Whatever, you probably don't care what I do. Haha.

Yesterday when I was organizing my room, I decided to go through my cds, see which ones were missing, and in the wrong cases, et cetera. I came across my Blake Lewis, Audio Daydream cd that I had been looking for for, like, two years! Needless to say, I am pumped to listen to it again. It's going to be my homework soundtrack tonight.

I've just realized that I have written absolutely nothing worth writing. If I continue writing tonight, I will most likely be consistent in my monotony. I guess I'm going to get started on the essay question.. Wish me luck!