Oh my..

I'm on the Common Application Website and it feels like my whole life has been culminating to this night, sifting through college applications and scrambling to find SAT scores, transcripts and all that other academic junk.

I feel like I didn't do enough research. I didn't schedule enough visits. I didn't request information earlier. I haven't started applying for scholarships yet.

I feel so afraid. I'm scared that I won't get accepted to my top choice. I'm scared that my top choice isn't where I really am supposed to be. I'm scared that I might not be interesting enough to get accepted at the big universities, and then if I do, I'll feel out of place. I'm scared that, if I get accepted to multiple different colleges, I won't be able to choose, or I'll pick the wrong one and be miserable. And poor! College is expensive.

And, what if, once I'm out of college, I can't get a job anywhere. I'll have loans to pay off, and bills to pay, and no income. What if I have to start living with my parents again?

I'm counting on this one program that a certain school may or may not offer. I would go to another country for two years and teach. At first, I was like, how awesome? But I've been thinking about it a lot. So many things can change in four years. I could lose all interest in teaching. Or maybe I'd be offered a sweet job straight out of college. I could move to the city and start living. Maybe I'd even want to settle down, God forbid.

I don't know. I guess I'll figure it all out.

There is like an hour long gap between my last sentence and the entire beginning of this. Since then, I have been furiously writing down dates, lists, etc, in my new "College EVERYTHING!" composition book. I have creeped on facebook, commented and liked a few things, and I'm now researching Islam. It's 12:44 PM and I have to get up at seven tomorrow morning for school. JOYJOYJOY!

I'm going to organize the ever-growing list that's all jumbled up in my mind right here.

-research colleges, including deadlines for application, application fees, letters of recommendation, transcripts, etc.
-memorize All-State music, take time out of class for lessons.
-keep up with dates for work, school stuff, vacations, AP work, and field trips
-study for AP Psych, keep up with modules.
-research and plan for senior project, make a contact in the community, get started on paper, update forum.

I know you're so not interested in this, but this really is like my diary. And writing things down, whatever, typing, helps me to remember things.

Hopefully after this year, things ease up. But I doubt it.

Emotions I'm experiencing:
-anxiety
-happiness
-exhaustion
-apathy (leading to)
-extreme attention to detail
and let's not forget
-confusion

In other words, it's stressful, but I think all of this is going to be worth it in the end.

-optimism