Him

I have this dull throb in the back of my head that won't go away. I'm thinking about so many things. All of these thoughts are beating against the sides of my skull trying to get out. I don't even know how to articulate them into words. My load is so heavy, and I can't seem to shed its weight.

I feel like He is the reason why. God. Alpha and Omega. The light of the world. That's what they call Him.

I go to church every week, usually twice a week. I used to love it. I loved basking in the presence of God, bonding with my Christian friends, learning about the life of Jesus Christ, everything about it was great. At the back of my mind, there was always this little nagging voice of doubt, questioning whether this relationship with the Creator of the entire universe was real, but I'd push it aside. Drown out it's voice with prayer and worship.

Now, the doubt has become me. I'd almost consider myself a walking contradiction. I've pretended that my faith is in the right place, that I'm totally fine in church, that I'm not bothered by some of the messages. But I am.

The college I'm planning on attending next year is a Christian college. I don't know what I believe anymore. I've cried out to God so many times to just give me a sign, or answers, and it's fruitless. I've reached out to God, but he hasn't reached out to me. I've cried a lot. I'm left alone cleaning up the messes I've made. I don't know what happened to make me like this.

I want to tell someone everything I feel, but I don't know who, or how, or really even what to say. I hope this doesn't last forever.