Me?

I'm an inherently nervous person. I didn't know this until today. My mom told me about my grandfather's recent trip to the doctor. First, I'll give you a little backup. For a few decades, my grandfather relied on the bottle. My mom, seemingly, had never seen him sober, and I, for a fact, hadn't. A couple years back, he got really sick and gave up drinking altogether. Just stopped, cold turkey. My mom swears it was a miracle, that she prayed the blood of Jesus over him, wept on her knees for his deliverance from the addiction. After he stopped, he was still the same bitter man as he was before. The only difference was the cup ever-present in his hand was one that carried coffee, rather than whiskey. Most recently, he had a non-cancerous brain tumor removed that the doctors said may have possibly been the cause of his rapid mood-swings and anger. To no avail. He is the same, if not worse, than he was before.

So at his appointment today, he yelled and cursed at the secretary in the doctor's office, threw a temper tantrum, if you will, and threatened to leave if he was not helped within fifteen minutes of his arrival.

He is an angry, hateful, mean man, and I'm ashamed.

Mommy dearest also told me today of our family history of nervous breakdowns. Now that's exciting.

I get so stressed I can't sleep at night. Everything thought that I push away throughout the days settles on my chest, and I can hardly breathe. I'm worried that I'll end up bitter, afraid to see what kind of creature I really am.

That's what I fear becoming, but this I know:

I'm too loud, but I'm too shy. I'm too open, but I'm too anti-social. I'm interesting, but boring. I'm apathetic and hypersensitive. I'm stressed out, but I'm laid back. I talk too much, but I don't say enough. I'm so happy, and yet so sad. I am everything. I am nothing at all.

I am going to be confident. I'm not going to be alone forever. I will love others. I will sing loud, and read fiercely. I am going to be.

The line I've drawn between who I am and who I want to be had gotten so blurry, but it's finally starting to come into focus. It feels great.